Raising Red Letter Kids

Prologue…

In my previous post I began the work of defining and identifying race and racism for the purposes of examining the devastating effect it has had on this country and the world. It has also had a devastating effect on the family and the individual. In this post I will begin a journey to action, examining what I and people like me can do to create change as an individual, in the family, and hopefully eventually to society at large.

It’s been a long while since I have had the courage or energy to sit down at the computer and grapple with my thoughts.  Way before Covid 19, or quarantining or conspiracy theories, I was already struggling to sort out the tangled web of emotions, ideas, theologies and realities going on around me as well as inside my head. I have at least half a dozen half-finished blog posts waiting in the cue, many on race, which have never been fleshed out for one reason or another.  Sometimes the inspiration just vanished; other times, the timing was not right; still other times the fear of saying the wrong thing or being perceived in the wrong light overcame the burning message inside my head. But most often when I put the brakes on a writing project, it is because I doubt the difference it will make. Now that I come to think about it, this is true, not only for my writing, but for many other things that take effort and courage in my life.

Sometimes, the world can seem so far removed from the Kingdom of God that it is all one can do to keep from being overcome by despair and discouragement, and it is in those times that the candle of hope goes out. Tragedy, hate, injustice and suffering seem overwhelming and omnipresent and the amount of need can be so daunting that it is difficult to know where to start for those of us that still care enough to want to make things better.

I started this post in response to the murder of Ahmaud Arbery, although many more people of color have been wrongly killed in the short time since Ahmaud’s death. The level of hatred and injustice in this country has always been intolerable for its victims, but these days it finally seems to be more repugnant to the rest of us, and I am tired of sending condolences and prayers. As I write this on Mother’s Day, I am hurting for a close relative of mine, a beautiful young mother and person of color, who went to a local business for a mother’s day treat today and instead of receiving a “happy mother’s day” greeting, got harassed and insulted with racial slurs. Friends of mine have recently had racial slurs hurled at them while minding their own business on a walk or a run. My black friends fear for their sons’ lives and have to talk to them about potential scenarios and strategies that I will never have to address with my own son, who looks as white as I do, although he is not.  If I am angry, I can only imagine how Ahmaud’s mom and family must feel, having not only lost their son to a racist murder, but also ignored and denied justice for two months, told by the authorities that it was his fault for not “following simple commands”. This young man who would have been my daughter’s age did nothing but go for a run while being black. He was not those murderers’ property to command. And what of Breonna Taylor, an EMT and aspiring nurse, doing nothing wrong and killed while sleeping in her own bed, when police officers broke into her apartment assuming she was the criminal they were looking for. And now the evil murder of George Floyd in broad daylight and with an audience of fellow police officers and civilians looking on as he slowly died for 10. minutes.  The burden is too much for my black friends and family to carry alone.  It literally takes a toll on their physical and mental health to hear the cries of yet another injustice, followed by the silence of the country, their neighbors and church. I realize that adding my anger to the already hateful and disrespectful airwaves will not be helpful. Trust me I’ve tried that in the past.   But offering rational and objective facts seems futile most of the time as well.  Opinion is King, and neither logic, nor science nor primary sources will change peoples’ minds or hearts in today’s polarized environment.  At the time I started writing this post, I was worried about what would happen in this country if the injustices continued and were unaddressed. Now that I am finishing this post my worries have become prophecy. Once again the threshold of injustice has been reached. The burden is no longer bearable and all hell is breaking loose.

So what then am I left with to light this candle of hope for the future? How can I move beyond t-shirts and hashtags to actually change the world and make society more just, equitable and loving for everyone, especially those who have been pushed to the margins by the dominant culture, my culture?  It is a question I ask myself often. I am not sure I have a good answer yet to be honest. I know it will take some personal sacrifice and willingness to acknowledge and give up some of the unearned privilege I have enjoyed my whole life.  How can one person change culture and tradition and policy and attitudes? What does that candle lighting look like in practical daily life?

According to my black friends and mentors there are many practical steps that people like me can take to try to advocate for change and be an ally with people of color in these hate-filled times. But there is one question that I have been challenged with from several black moms on social media that is particularly on my mind today on Mother’s Day, and that question is, “What am I doing to raise kids that won’t fear (or hate or kill) their sons when they grow from cute little kids to young black men?” I’m paraphrasing and combining, but the questions have pierced my soul. First of all, black and brown moms know all too well that even their cute little kids are at risk for prejudice, inequity and violence.  Second of all what AM I and all other white moms doing to answer this question?  My gut reaction of defensiveness is common if social media is any judge. “I’m raising kids who won’t kill or hate people of ANY color” is a favorite I’ve read.  And although I think we all hope to raise non-murderers or KKK members, I have to point out that not only is this response a pretty low bar, but it is completely missing the point.

The point is not tolerance, political correctness, or refraining from racist jokes, at least in mixed race company.  The point is to raise kids who do not grow up to become adults who subconsciously grasp their purse when a person of color walks by. It is not good enough to raise kids who avoid acts of blatant racism and hate; we need to raise kids who are courageous enough to stand up against people who don’t. It’s not enough to raise kids who speak up for those in the margins.  We need to raise kids who are confident, generous and self-aware enough to give up their microphone to those who are in the margins and let them speak for themselves. We need to raise kids who are antiracist.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children.” It is up to us to make sure we are raising our children, not only to know and love God, but to know and love the image of God in ALL of their fellow humans. It is up to us to raise red-letter kids.

Mothers this is often mainly our responsibility. (Dads, you are not off the hook, but I’m writing this on Mother’s Day.) Malcolm X wisely said, “The mother is the first teacher of the child.  The message she gives that child, that child gives to the world.” If we want to see a more peaceful and loving world, then we need to start by inspiring a peaceful and loving home, neighborhood and community.

Ellen G. White, a founder of my church denomination,  said something similar when she advised that, “The child’s first teacher is the mother…To her first is given opportunity to mold the character for good or for evil.”

This post is not meant to be a comprehensive manual of how to do that. It is instead meant to be a gentle spark to help you light the candle of hope and inspire future conversation and research into the topic with your own family and friends. Raising children is a full-time job, and like any job, it requires purposeful strategy and intentional choices.

For all children it is important to keep in mind their developmental level and what type of content will be appropriate for their age.  For small children, it will be important to be truthful but general in your conversations and content.  There is no benefit in sharing the gory details or perseverating on hateful speech or actions with a child who is still in her formative years.

Instead focus on decentering whiteness as the default and ideal for everything.  One way to do that for young children is to purposefully seek out diverse and inclusive toys, age appropriate books and real-life friends and playmates of all different socio-economic backgrounds and races (no link for this one, you just have to venture out of your comfort zone and make new friends!).

When our daughter was little her first and favorite doll was a black cabbage patch kid named Tacha.  We wanted her to know from the start that although the store’s shelves were full of blue- eyed, blonde and anorexic looking dolls, that black is beautiful and people come in all shapes, sizes and colors, and that all of those variations are reflections of the image of God.  We would have done this no matter her phenotype, but we felt this was particularly important because she is mixed in race and blessed with melanin and beautiful curly hair. We had to really work to find dolls that looked even remotely like her.  She was already starting to get messages from her friends and society that she was not the norm or gold standard.  The messaging was that she was different therefore ugly or unworthy. As she got a little older we did our best to keep Barbie out of the house.  But there were a couple of Barbies that were allowed to take up residence in our home.  One of them was a Barbie that came with her own wheelchair and more anatomically correct proportions and feet, and another was Andean Barbie who tried (but definitely failed) to look more true to her indigenous roots but at least wore her traditional clothing proudly.  We were trying to counter the messaging that different is “less than”, and to show that white, thin,  and able-bodied is not the gold standard.

Reading is great way to approach issues of racism with kids, and there are lots of amazing books out there that tackle the subject head on and openly teach kids about difficult topics.  The goal is to foster your child’s curiosity, empathy and compassion. 

Kids should be given ample opportunities to discuss race and racism in the safety of their own home, without fear of judgement and with permission to ask anything.  By ignoring the topic you leave room for their peers to fill in the gaps about race and instill fears, stereotypes and myths in place of true understanding, empathy and compassion when it comes to race. As parents we must work against the media, textbook publishers, and Hollywood to change the narrative when it comes to race and racism.  ”It is imperative that as our children grow they learn the whole truth and nothing but the truth when it comes to our nation’s and world’s history.  Be picky when it comes to textbooks as editors are mired in their own bias.  Look for primary sources and diverse voices.  Read the books you choose aloud together as a family and discuss what you read after. As a former homeschooling mom I had the privilege of time for these deep conversations as well as the ability to curate curricula for my kids, but there are many ready made  curricula available that could be used as after school enrichment activities and conversation starters.

In addition to introducing your child to friends and characters of color through well written books and curricula, it is important to seek out real life friends, neighbors, and leaders of color in your community. And by seeking out people of color, I do not mean seeking out for the purpose of adding to your  collection, like diverse books and toys, or to gain from them what you need, as in “give me the cliff notes on this racism thing”. I mean truly being purposeful about developing meaningful and reciprocal relationships with people of color for the mutual benefit of enriching each others’ lives and serving and learning from one another. If you are having trouble finding people of color to befriend or learn from, then you might want to reflect on your current situation. Is your neighborhood predominantly white?  Is your child’s school predominantly white? How about your church? David Williams, a respected researcher and scholar on race and disparities states that segregated housing is one of the most significant factors in racial disparities in health.  How is your child not going to think that white is the default or gold standard if she has been raised with nothing but whiteness? How is your child going to be comfortable with different if he is surrounded by sameness?  How is your child going to grow up to promote qualified people of color to positions of leadership when the only people color in her life are in low wage jobs, cleaning her house or cutting her grass? Bryan Stevenson in his “even better than the movie” book entitled Just Mercy talks a lot about the concept of proximity.   We will not solve racism from a distance.  “When you get proximate to the excluded and the disfavored, you learn things that you need to understand if you’re going to change the world.” Look for black and brown spaces where the majority of people and leadership are people of color. Respectfully approach them, and be ready to listen with an attitude of humility and teachability. Make sure to check your own biases at the door, as your child is watching how genuinely you are loving the image of God in people of color.

This brings me to my last point that children learn what is caught not what is taught. We need to model racial and cultural humility for our kids. We need to acknowledge our privilege and the power we enjoy as a result of the institutional racism inherent in our society and foundational to our economy. We need to educate ourselves on the issues around race and model an attitude of repentance and spirit of advocacy.  Ghandi’s famous axom is still true.  We need to “be the change we wish to see in the world.” But I would paraphrase and add that only when we do that, can we “raise our kids to be the citizens we wish to see in the world.”