Raising Red Letter Kids

This time of year is always full of bittersweet changes. Fall signals the end of summer and all the freedom, fun and family time it represents. But it also signals the start of the school year with all the undiscovered friends, knowledge and adventures that await. Good bye snow cones, swim suits and barefoot walks on the beach.  Hello, pumpkin everything, scarves and cozy reading by the fireplace. Trees are trading in their lush, glossy green leaves for fire-like hues of brilliant reds and oranges. Gone are the long days with plenty of time for outdoor activities, but the ensuing long nights provide a natural reminder to stop the busy day’s activities and more opportunity to gather together around the table or on the couch with loved ones for quality time together. I find these seasonal changes stimulating, not sad. And I love the variety of blessings that they bring. But there is one bittersweet ritual during this season that forces me to “fake it until I make it” in my gratitude journal. That ritual is sending my kids back to college. That seasonal ritual was the stimulus for this blog a couple of years ago when my youngest went away to college and my oldest went overseas to serve and study abroad. It has gotten easier to hold back the tears with the years, but they are still there, ready to spill over with empathy at any mention of a friend sending her college kids off for the first time. I think that one reason it is harder to let go figuratively and physically (“one more hug before you go?”) than to let go of snow cones is that even if you are a die- hard summer person and you dread the fall and winter, you know that summer will be back in a year, and with it your favorite snow cones.  With our big kids (as I call them), each time they leave for college they are a little more grown up, a little closer to not coming back, at least not in the same way. But of course, that is what we want for them, to grow up from sweet little child-like snow cones into self-reliant and independent ice cream sundaes, right? Ok, the analogy isn’t great, but the point is that yes, it is bitter that things will never be the same, but yes, it is also sweet that things are changing, and that new, different adventures and memories are waiting to be made. So this weekend while my husband is enjoying a father-son road trip taking our son back to college and my daughter is away on an adventure with her grad school friends, I am home alone, left with my bittersweet thoughts. And as a mother of two young adults, my thoughts are inspired by many years of parenting and giving unsolicited advice. I have been drawn to continue and formalize a recent tradition this time of year, that is, to write a letter to my big kids which I’m choosing to share with you. So here it goes. Feel free to personalize and share it with your big kids, or get inspired to write your own.

Dear (insert big kid’s name),

Here we are again at the beginning of a new school year. I hope you know how proud I am of you. I am proud of you because you have stuck to it, even when things were difficult. And now you are bravely going back for more, knowing that sometimes it will require sacrifice and hard work, and other times it will require swallowing your pride or getting your heart broken. That lesson in perseverance and learning from your mistakes will be one of the most valuable things you learn at university.  Unlike the difference between mitosis and meiosis, the ability to not give up when things get tough will be something you never forget and it will come in handy throughout many areas of your life.

I can’t believe how fast time is going by. It seems like just yesterday we were reluctantly leaving you at the dorm for the first time. You looked so scared and unsure back then. Now, you are already starting your (insert ordinal number) year of (insert program of study)! You have learned so much and have become quite independent. I have seen so much growth as you have matured in many areas of your life. This year my advice to you as you stand on the cusp of an exciting, fresh and shiny new school year is Carpe Diem, seize the day! I don’t mean seize the day as in YOLO (you only live once) with no regard for the future, but seize each day to its fullest as a gift from God, not to be wasted or taken for granted. Your days and years at the university will fly by and they are some of the most special and fun times of your life. You may never again have such an ideal opportunity to learn new things, meet new people and explore new ideas. This opportunity is a privilege that not many people in the world enjoy, and I hope you can absorb it all like a sponge and take time to savor each day.  Suck the meat off the bone of your university experience and lick your fingers.

When opportunities come your way, don’t let fear get in the way. While priorities are necessary, and it is definitely not prudent or realistic to say yes to everything university life offers, I am not talking about a time management issue, so much as a courage one. Many times we hesitate, say no, or avoid change because we are afraid of failure, rejection or embarrassment and we miss out on all God has to offer us. So take a risk, show up and be bold in who you are, an imperfect child of God who is loved unconditionally and not based on merit. Enjoy the freedom to fly and to fail that this identity gives you.

The goal is to seek out inspiration and to learn, not to already know everything. Stay curious and enjoy discovering new ideas, knowledge and people. Remember your teachers are a wealth of knowledge in their areas and they chose their profession because they want to help and inspire young people, so get to know them, ask them questions about class, but also about their experiences.  Listen to their stories and get inspired by their lives. And not just your classroom teachers, learn from every interesting person that God puts in your path, whether it is the guy keeping the campus looking beautiful on his lawnmower, or the president of the university. Time invested in listening to, learning from and getting to know people is time well spent.

Incidentally, time is something you will probably have a lot less of pretty soon here. But don’t let the busyness of being a good student numb your joie de vivre. Learn to be present and enjoy each moment, even the mundane ones. Even the most tedious of tasks is improved with a little fresh air, so don’t forget to spend time in nature. There are so many things to be thankful for and noticing them brings life to your soul, even in the midst of projects and exams. Relish the little joys during the daily grind.  Learn to observe with all your senses and be thankful for simple but beautiful things in your life such as the sun shining, a fresh breeze blowing, a bird singing, a stranger’s smile, or a beautiful melody.

Finally, develop a heart and hands for others. Don’t get so caught up with your own stressful agenda, that you neglect to notice that student who sits by himself in the cafeteria everyday or your classmate who is not able to keep up with projects lately.  Look up from your own struggles once in awhile and notice that despite the latest posts on Snapchat and Instagram, many people around you are hurting and could use a friend. Sometimes, a smile, a text, or an invitation can make all the difference in their lives. We all have good intentions, but too often we don’t act on them until it is too late. So if you have been impressed to do something nice for someone, or just connect with them, don’t put it off. Even the mean girl or guy down the hall was created by God, probably has a story and could use a little extra kindness, so reach out. Nothing is more important than the people God places in our lives.

And speaking of important people, you are one of the most important people that God has placed in my life. He created you just the way you are and that is how and why I love you. I hope you know that there is nothing you can do or be to change or undo that. Have an amazing year!  Love, your mom xoxoxo